DJs are very similar to other musicians in many ways: they travel a lot to work, they stay up late, they party a lot, they tend to have big egos, and they are terrible friends. I will mainly focus on the male DJs here as the majority of working DJs are men and women usually behave better than sex overall. It’s just the stereotype I’m going to roll here with.

Ladies, many of you think it would be great to go out with a DJ, you are the demigods of nightlife, adored by many and well paid for their craft. Even the D-level guys make six digits.

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They may all look great on the outside, smile and make all these heart shaped signs and blow kisses to you all, but there is an nasty undercurrent with most of them.

Nightlife careers corrupt and successful nightlife careers absolutely corrupt. The devil is recruiting here for a reason. So if you’re looking for a serious long-term relationship with a DJ, bark at the wrong skinny jeans or harem pants or harem sweatpants or crotchless pants … you know what I mean.

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Here are ten reasons to stay away:

1. DJs are never home on the weekend, and chances are they’ll leave you 94.5% of the time when they fly to Miami to “work”.

2. You are never as important as your equipment or records. Sorry ladies, but he probably thinks more about his music collection most of the time than you and other girls.

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3. Physical condition. Working DJs either develop Skinny Fat Guy Syndrome, slight variations in man’s breasts, or the pale pipe cleaner body. You will almost never have any muscle and it will only get worse. Plus, they’ll still be walking around like they’re David Beckham.

4. They celebrate A LOT and often develop uncomfortable drug habits or alcohol problems. In other words, they tend to burn brightly, much like strippers. This can come from nervousness or simply from the desire to party.

5. They are cheating on you all the time. DJs, even if they look like Herman Munster, are always addressed by excited fans (who have already partied). This always leads to penetration, sometimes to orgies (aka STD farm).

6. The likelihood of developing a sexually transmitted disease increases by about 93.5%. DJs don’t like prophylaxis.

7. Their career window is limited and most of them are wasting all their money, aka MC Hammer Syndrome (on a much smaller scale, but the same shit). In two to four years it will be over and there is no backup plan.

8. They will cheat on you with your friends and your friends won’t tell you because he brings them to the club for free.

9. Hygiene. For some reason, DJs who DJ a lot lose weight rapidly in the personal hygiene department. A 15% homelessness appearance sets in and starts to get worse from there. They will seldom wash their clothes and develop a general funk that will most likely repel you.

10. You don’t want girlfriends so there is no point in pushing yourself into pole position because then all you really are is your “regular” because everyone else knows he has 10 on the side.

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